LET'S TALK ABOUT ANIMALS, DEE
“Dee. Let's talk about animals, Dee.”
“What abou...t elephants?”
“Oh, I like elephants, Ben!”
“You like elephants, Dee?”
“Oh yes, Ben.”
“What abou...t zrebas?”
“Do you like zrebas, Ben?”
“I like zrebas too!”
“What abou...t giraffes?”
And lions, and hippos, and peacocks, and monkeys....etc.
This was an on-going talk Ben and I used to have when he was smaller and still couldn’t properly pronounce all the names of the animals. It kind of makes me sad that he can now say “zebra” instead of “zreba.” We would lay in my bed or his (because I lived with my sis and brother-in-law for a bit) and talk about animals. It was more about listing them really, then stating whether or not we had a fondness for that particular animal. It was one of our favorite things to do together. Our talks could sometimes last for quite a while. Ben loved his animals, and I was the privileged one with whom he wanted to lay in bed and chat about them.
Talking about animals - Ben was saying, “Get up!” because he didn’t want the animals to go to bed…because he didn’t want to go to bed.
When Olivia came along, I wanted to continue the sweet tradition with her. I think it seemed appealing to her in the beginning (once she was old enough) because she wanted to be in on anything that also involved Ben...he’s her favorite person in the whole world. But, you see, Olivia and Ben are very different. Though she liked the idea of laying in bed and chatting, she definitely could not keep still long enough. We may have gotten a couple animals named before she wiggled around and decided it was time to build a tent, jump on the bed, put on jewelry, or dance around the room. Sitting still was not her forte. Whereas Ben, he has always had the aptitude to be still and quiet. He’s a learner. Olivia is a doer.
So while Ben and I had our chats, Olivia and I played dress-up and had dance parties (though Ben was often inclined to join us for some dancing as he likes to shake his booty just as much as Olivia and I do). I wanted to be fully present and love them in their love languages...Ben - learning and legos, Olivia - tutus and high heels.
All the jewelry, all the personality!
"I don’t know how you do it...love your kids like this. I really love them. I love them like, if something happened to them, I would die. My heart is so wide open, and they're so fragile. I don’t know how you live like this; I don’t." (quote from Grey’s Anatomy season 12, episode 20)
This quote is by an aunt talking to her sister (the mom) about her incomprehensible love for her niece and nephews. I feel this. I know it’s from a fictional show and the context was in the midst of tragedy, but for me it doesn’t matter. When I watched that episode and heard those words, I bawled because they are real for me. Those feelings are real. I’m not a mom...we’ve talked about this...but I am the aunt in that quote wondering how in the world I can love someone that much and it hasn’t destroyed me.
I guess that’s the difference between walking in the hope and joy of life rather than in the fear and what ifs. I can very easily walk in the fear and live those words daily; fearing the impending destruction of my heart and become paralyzed by the fact that I love them too much. Instead, I relish in the joy of the now and choose to bathe in the love, soak it all while I can. And, of course, I talk about animals and have dance parties with my Mr. Cheekyboes and Ladybug Princess.