STAY-AT-HOME AUNT
When I said yes to being a missionary, one major fear I had was that I was taking myself out of the American dating pool by moving to a former Soviet-bloc country. Like a lot of women, I have had the desire to be married my whole life. Although, I wasn’t one of those girls who dreamt of her wedding since birth. I didn’t have the colors, flowers, venue, unity candle or sand pouring, barn or church, number of bridesmaids, and all that stuff planned out. There was no dream wedding scrap book for this gal. I just wasn’t that girl. BUT I did--and still do--want to be married, hitch myself to a man who will adventure this crazy life with me. So when I moved to Ukraine I had to lay the, very possible, “never-to-marry” scenario at God’s feet, holding on to my dream loosely so it did not become an idol in my heart.
Moving back to the States, single and turning thirty, I did the same thing with the dream of having babies. I had to reconcile in my heart that I may never have my own biological children. Reading all the biology science words out there, the reality of my ability to make babies in my ever-aging body decreases as I age. I mean, yes, women are now having babies in their 50’s, but still I felt like this was something God and I needed to discuss. Once again I laid it at His feet, with open hands.
I let go. I let go of the expectations and vision I had for my life at the age of thirty...then thirty-one...then thirty-two...then, well, you get the point. I continue to have to let go with every passing year of singleness and trust God knows what He’s doing. I put myself out there, hoping to meet the guy. If God wants me to be married, I will be married. And if God wants me to have babies, I will have babies, no matter my age. If He doesn’t, though, and that’s not in the cards, that’s ok. I’ve worked hard with God on this. I’ve cried to him a lot about it.
One day, through all the crying out to God and giving Him my dreams, something clicked. I’m actually really happy. I am content. I don’t need a marriage or a baby to make me feel whole and full. God does all that. The guy and the marriage, I still hope for. This time, though, that hope isn’t for something that will complete my life, but rather will enhance it and bring extra joy to what is already a great, happy, whole, full life. It only took me 30-something years to get here, but finally I did. Contentment is good. It’s worth all the hurt, tears, confusion, angry prayers, and faithful trust.
Then, PLOT TWIST, God gave me two babies. Ok, technically I didn’t personally birth two babies, and technically they’re not babies anymore, but still. I am the biological science words half-mom to a sweet boy and a sassy girl because my twin sister birthed them. THUS they are mine too. I also have two big kids birthed by my other sister; I am not biology science words a half-parent to them, but they’re still just as much mine. Oh, science, what a fantastic mystery you are!
I am an aunt. It is the greatest dream I never had come true. I didn’t know love like this existed. It is both wonderful and terrible at the same time. I love them so much it is literally painful. “Aunt” is the greatest title I’ve ever received thus far. Those kids, they have my heart in their hands. With every “Dee!” (what they call me) that comes out of their mouths, I’m theirs.
As long as I am able: I will always have the dance party. I will always talk about animals in the tent that we spent hours (or minutes) making. I will always watch the bear movie (Disney’s Brave) for the third time. I will always have the sleepover party, that leaves me “sleeping” on the trundle bed. I will always check for dingles even though it’s disgusting. I will always buy the tutu because every ladybug princess needs a tutu. I will always go to the park and pretend to be superheros. I will always use a sick day to help get ready for Halloween, then be the one going door-to-door, in the rain, trick-or-treating. I will always watch the kick of the soccer ball or the hit of whichever ball and cheer as loud as possible. I will always watch the twirl and grand jeté, then try to do it myself. I will always listen if talking through tough topics is needed, whether I know the answer or not. I will always squeeze the cheeks. I will always give the hug. I will always hold the hand. I will always be there.
No, I don’t have the husband and haven’t pushed any babies out of you know where, and I still want those...that hasn’t changed. But right now, I am an aunt. God gave me that one without even asking. I am so happy. Contentment, y’all, that’s where it’s at...well, that, and being an aunt. 😊