PERSEVERANCE, BOATMAN!
Every so often I hear the voices of three old high school/college guy friends yelling “Perseverance, Boatman!” in my head. Remember the old Successories posters that had an inspirational/motivational quote splayed across a thought-provoking or inspiring scene? Well, I had one of those up in my dorm room. The photograph was a scene set at dawn of a person running up what seemed to be an endless climb of bleacher steps. Then across the bottom read “P⋅E⋅R⋅S⋅E⋅V⋅E⋅R⋅A⋅N⋅C⋅E”, and written below that to close the moment of inspiration:
“The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will.”
Shew! I don’t know about you, but I am motivated now just reading that! WHEW!
Ok, yes, I’m being a bit facetious here, and the guys were making fun of it and us for having it up in our room. Regardless as to whether it’s truly inspiring me or anyone else to greatness or not, it’s what I hear any time I’m trying to accomplish something, every time I’m pursuing something hard and seemingly impossible, OR every so often just to give me a laugh.
Recently, I had my first general, how-do-you-do, doctor’s appointment in like 10 years. Not lying. I’d like all the mom’s to please stop shaking their heads in disapproval now. Thank you. It went fair. Nothing terrible, just not awesome. Ya’ll, so there’s something about having a complete stranger tell you that your not up to par. You say to yourself all the time that you need to change this or that, and you just know other people are thinking it too. But to hear a stranger...a doctor!...tell you that you need make some adjustments, well, it’s rough. Not gonna lie, I almost started crying.
I have all the excuses of why I believe I have arrived at this point: sadness from rejection, no longer being in my early-thirties, changes in work, eating out a lot, single, cooking for one is lame, etc. etc. But these are just excuses. I made choices that put me here. So I left that doctor’s appointment determined and motivated to be laser-focused from here on out! Then, as soon as my brother-in-law said “Krispie Kreme,” all that focus and motivation went right out the window.
Though I was disappointed in myself, I didn’t want to go down the rabbit hole of negative self-talk. I know that doesn’t work. I’ve beaten myself up my whole life for not being “the enoughs”: pretty, skinny, tall (I always felt like if I could just get to 5’5”!), smart, athletic, etc., and obviously those beatings haven’t helped me at all. So, instead, I decided to read my devotional for that day. Of course. The topic was about…you guessed it: discipline. Here’s the verse:
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”
God is pretty cool huh. As soon as I am feeling the pangs of my lack of discipline, my easily manipulated heart (or, well, gut in this case), He shows up and says, ok I get this is hard for you, but it’s going to be so much better for you in the end, so persevere. I am so easily tempted. I have programmed myself to believe, wholeheartedly, that if I don’t have that donut—or whatever it is that’s tempting me—then I will be missing out on the best possible thing (100% enneagram 7, for those enne-lovers). I will later long to have that thing and will be filled with regret. But, God, in His is infinite wisdom, knows this is a lie. He knows that restraint, discipline, and a healthy body will result in peace and righteousness.
I want to be the best version of myself. The Brittney who God created me to be. I feel like I’m so close, ya know. I’m writing. I’m sharing my story every chance I get. I have freedom from bitterness and anger from my trauma. I have forgiven. All God’s promises are YES and AMEN!! It’s like my physical health is the last piece of the puzzle. It’s the one area of my life that I haven’t gained complete freedom. It’s like depression: you’re in a pit and have a hard time getting out. You know you’re in the pit and want so badly to get out. But you just can’t pull yourself out. It doesn't work that way. You pray, you go to counseling, and sometimes you have to take medication (ain’t no shame). You have to wake up each day and choose life, choose to breathe another day and function in whatever way you can to hopefully let a little light in.
I know I’m in a health pit. For years, I’ve been yo-yoing between climbing out of the pit and choosing to sit in it. The heaviness is familiar, the food is delicious, and it’s hard to change. I know the taste of sweet freedom from the deep, dark pit of depression. I want so badly the same for my overall health. I guess I just enjoy the sweetness of literal food instead...or saltiness, pick your poison. I do. I pick the chocolate-covered cream-filled fried choice. Then I feel sick and disappointed.
I want, though, to pick freedom. I want to pick peace. I want to pick confidence. So, yes, that day I picked the donut, but tomorrow...tomorrow I get to pick again. I get a chance to pick my future over immediate satisfaction. I get to pick the better choice that will result in the good, better, and best me.
You know when a teenager is leaving the house to go out, and the parent yells, “Make good choices!” That’s what I believe God is telling me. Daily. That, and, “PERSEVERANCE, BOATMAN!!”