CALGON TAKE ME AWAY
I need to go. I haven’t been on a legit vacation in two and a half years. Yes, I know, that’s really not a big deal compared to all the world’s problems. “Waaahh, BritBoat! So sorry it’s been such a long time since you’ve gotten to go lay on a beach while people are starving in [insert 3rd world country here]!” I hear you, people, but stay with me.
ON A BEACH IN SPAIN - ONE OF MY FAVORITE VERSES MAY BE ABOUT BEAUTIFUL FEET IN ROMANS 10:15
Growing up, we moved around a lot. I mean A. LOT. In adulthood this has continued for me. In the past 8 years I have moved 8 times. EIGHT TIMES! I’ve changed jobs 7 times. SEVEN TIMES!! Being settled and staying in one place for a while is difficult for me. And when I say, “for a while” I mean like one to two years. Since I was about 15 years old, I have never lived anywhere for more than three years. *Cue shocked faces or eye rolls, or a combination of both. I’m not even a 20-something millennial, bumming around the country trying to find myself with aspirations of living in and working out of a pimped-out VW van. I’m over here in my 30’s, grinding and doing my thang. There’s just something inside of me that starts spazzing out around that one-year mark, signaling it may be time to fight or flight. Obviously I’m good at flight. Real good.
So, I’m not necessarily talking about going on a vacation here. I am, though, feeling that itch to just go. Go, adventure, explore, and do something new. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those girls whose job title would be listed as “Free Spirit” under my name on The Bachelor...or some other reality show…I actually do have a desire to put down roots, feel planted and content in where I am. But that itch, that spazz, that panic seemed to always win out. Sometimes it’s just me being afraid to stay and afraid that I’ll be stuck. Sometimes, though, I think it’s Jesus. Sometimes I’m trusting and going where I think God wants me to be next.
The hard part is discerning which is which. Is it my fear poking at me to get out, to flee, or is it God nudging me to obedience to move this way or that? I think fear was a major factor in some of my moves but also in my lack of movement.
After going through something hard, one can become gun shy. I was gun shy for about seven years, afraid to choose a path for fear of making the wrong decision. What if I get hurt again? What if I am destroyed beyond repair? I’ve done such big things in my life that most would be afraid to do: moved to another country, traveled cross-country alone, lived alone, took trains/buses/subways alone, etc.! Yet, I’ve been paralyzed by fear when it comes to applying for a certain job, buying a new computer, going to a social event, etc. For some reason, though, I moved. I quit. I accepted. I attended. I can say now it’s because of Jesus. God made it possible for me to move when I couldn’t. I’m not saying my choice or freewill was taken away, but rather God helped make the decisions so clear that I was able to move past my fear and choose the next step.
I BOUGHT A HOUSE! I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE HAD A PANIC ATTACK WHEN I SIGNED THE PAPERS, AS THIS WAS A HUGE COMMITMENT FOR THIS NOMAD.
I guess I’m a nomad of sorts. I’ve accepted this now. Very Abraham of me, I know. We’ve had breakthroughs--God and I--tearing down the lies I’ve been believing that have trapped me in fear the past few years, breaking down the walls in my heart that I built to seemingly “protect” me from destruction.
Now I actually think know God has used each of these moves for His glory, fear and all. I’m not sure about all the details, but I know I lived in each of those towns/states/countries for a reason. I know I worked at each of those jobs for a reason. He ushered all of the people in (and sometimes out of) my life for a reason. Some reasons are more clear than others, but now I don’t necessarily need to know all the why’s. I just have to live and go and do in obedience, checking my heart that it’s actually Holy Spirit leading me to go rather than fear pulling me to escape.