BROADWAY IS(not) CALLING MY NAME
I’ve never considered myself a brave person. A brazen, easy-going, likes-to-try-new-things kind of gal; yes. But not necessarily brave. People have told me I’m brave. I’ve said ‘yes’ to things in my life that maybe other people wouldn’t. But those yes’s haven’t always turned out so great. They’ve left some pretty deep scars, which affect my yes’s and no’s today. So, it’s hard to say I’ve been--or am--brave when being “brave” in the past has hurt.
I recently went through a devotional about being brave. At the end of each day I was given a challenge to bravery. One of the "just do it!" moments was to think back on your life and recall a couple of moments which you or someone else might label you as “brave." Again, this is tough for me. My supposed bravest moments have been some of the hardest things I've had to do. Isn’t that usually the case, though? Those moments that require bravery are going to hurt in one way or another because they demand sacrifice. And we all know sacrifice is tough. To be brave means sacrificing comfort, pride, familiarity, personal gain, time, future plans, dreams.
I moved to Ukraine when I was 27 (a prime marrying and baby-making age, ya’ll) and single. I quit my job, raised monthly support, and sold almost everything I owned...almost everything, as I could never part with my Gilmore Girls DVD collection. I joined a small, brand new team consisting of two married couples and me. It took me two years to raise all my support. Two years! This is not normal. During that time of waiting and support raising I was offered a dream job, my dad got really sick, and I had a lot of people disappoint me.
Sidebar - Being a 27-year-old Christian woman in the South meant I should've been married with three kids by then. I was working at a Christian college during that support-raising time, watching all these 19-22 year olds date, get engaged, marry, and have kids. Seriously. Yet I remained as single as one can get. It has always been a deep desire of mine to get married, to have someone go through this adventure of life with me. God and I had to have some pretty tough talks (and still do sometimes) about why I was (am) still single, why I hadn't (haven't) found the "one" yet. I had to lay this at His feet time and time again, with hands open knowing that God's best, His plan, for me will always be way better than anything I can come up with.
The same goes for my timing. I hadn’t planned on having to wait two years to finally move overseas. I’d said the big “yes! I will go!”, sold the things, gave my presentations, disappointed my family, quit the jobs, cried over the American husband I wouldn’t be meeting, and so on. When the time came, off to Ukraine I went, single and a little beat up, because obedience made more sense than sitting and waiting on what I thought my life would/should look like. I suppose this was brave. People have told me it was brave.
Putting yourself out there can be thrilling and joyful but also sucky and painful. But isn’t it worth the risk? If we always say no to the opportunities for bravery then man won’t life be so boring! We’d also be missing out on the growing moments God wants us to experience, good and bad. If life is always safe and good, without hurt or disappointment, then you’re not growing. There is such wisdom in failure and pain! Honestly, I have difficulty truly trusting my story, my heart, with someone who hasn’t been through hard things and, instead of living in a state of disrepair or denial, has come out on the other side shaped to a stronger, wiser version of who God made him to be.
Growing up I wanted to be on Broadway. Then I discovered I couldn't actually sing, and apparently that's a Broadway requirement. Whatever. Dream crushed. NBD. Most of my dreams are not things I tell many people. To me they all sound like crazy, outlandish fantasies. I have a dream of writing an actual book. Just typing those words knowing someone will read them is tough. To me, this sounds so insane, equal to something like me declaring I want to go to Julliard and become a prima ballerina...in my 30’s. I know in reality writing a book isn't such a crazy, unrealistic dream, but in my mind that's where it has sat, on an unreachable pedestal. Whispered lies of not having the fortitude or talent left me fearful of ever even considering this as an actual thing God would call me to pursue.
I've had book titles floating around in my head for 10+ years. There they stayed. Today I haven't written a book, but I am finally obeying the nudging and stepping out in faith...baby steps. I’ve starting writing out stories that will fill the pages of this one-day dream. I’ve created this website and am writing on this blog! Soon I will release a Trust Falls and High Kicks Podcast! What?! I've only just begun, but it's exciting and scary. I feel I'm right in the pocket of God's will for me in this season. There is definite anxiety that comes with putting yourself out there to be judged. However the peace and joy that has come from being obedient with what God has put in front of me, well, that far outweighs the fear and rebukes it to remind me that God is way bigger than me, my gifts, and my ability to make something fail or succeed. I feel brave, and I choose it in this path that is before me.
So choose brave. Write the book. Make the movie. Move to the other state or country. Sing the song. Say I will go. Say I will stay. Send the letter. Call. Learn the thing. Teach the thing. Quit the job. Take the job. Ask the girl out. Break-up. Say I do. Say I don’t. Take the steps. Choose the hard, scary thing. Do the trust fall. Be brave today.