THE OLD IS GONE, AND THE NEW HAS COME
You know those dreams and future plans you had when you were younger? You were in your teens, or fresh out of college, and had so many ideas and vision for who and what you wanted to be and do. Well, those dreams and plans can change. As we age, mature, go through hard things, plans change. We don’t necessarily want to be ballerinas, superheros, and Broadway stars any more.
In high school, I dreamed of going to New York and try my hand at acting; in college I wanted to work in corporate public relations. Then I evolved into wanting to work for a nonprofit. Then I wanted to do full-time youth ministry. Then I wanted to do anything but be depressed. Then I wanted to be a freelance graphic designer. And so on to present day. I don’t want to be on Broadway any more. Reality and, well, just life, has proven that is not an option for me. I actually don’t want to do any of those things any more. I could, though, sit in the dreams I had back then and try to be the person I was, dream those dreams, and try to go back.
What if we dreamt in the now rather than looking back to who we once were, remembering the “good old days” and longing to be in that place once more? I remember when I was going through counseling, processing my trauma, and learning how to move forward, I would often become so frustrated in my current state and annoyed that I couldn’t just “get over it.” I longed to be the Brittney I was before. Before doing youth ministry, before saying yes to the missionary life, before going to Ukraine, before coming back, before all the mess. I wanted to be that doe-eyed, optimist again, who dreamt of doing event planning and marketing for a local chamber of commerce because one summer in college I had that job. I LOVED it! Why can’t I be that girl again? She was simple and pure and whole.
I actually tried. I applied for all the jobs in fields that the old me had once worked and loved. I loved working at the chamber (when I was 21), so I bet I’d love it again. I was so happy being a college recruiter (when I was 24-25), so I should definitely do that again. I flourished in camp ministry (when I was depressed in Ukraine), so I for sure need to do that again. But God is merciful and wise. I was turned down for job after job until I finally started to realize that I can’t manufacture my current happiness based on who I was so many years ago and what made me happy then.
I can’t go back. I can’t be her again. I’ve been tested, broken, and molded into a better me. I definitely couldn’t have told you this seven years ago when, in my mind, I felt I would forever be dark and twisty. Now, though, I know without a shadow of a doubt I’m better. I’m more whole, more full, and have fought hard to be here. I’m not so naive to think things can be so simple. I’ve grown up.
I understand looking back and fondly remembering the days when you felt like you had it all together, when you felt happiest and free, especially in a time of unknown. But do you really want to be that same person you were a decade ago? Have not the things you’ve been through and learned over time changed you to be better, to be more? If you’re in the boat where you can’t see it yet, I feel you. I understand with all my heart where you are. You will see it, though; one day. I promise, friend, you will.
We grow up. We mature (hopefully). We have different responsibilities now, different priorities. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to. But we aren’t in our teens, twenties, thirties, forties, etc. anymore. And that’s not a bad thing! I want to grow. I want to be better. I want to dream in my now.
So I don’t want to be that twenty-something Brittney any more. I want to be this thirty-something Brittney. I want to dream my new and different thirty-something dreams. I can’t go back, and I don’t want to. I’m not the old her. The new has come, and I’m much better for it.