THE "PLEAMER"
You know those posts and articles you read about how the author’s life didn’t go anything like they had planned, but they learned how to trust in the Lord throughout it all. Then, at the end, they just toss in the glib fact that now they’ve gotten everything they’ve ever dreamed for their life - implying that you, too, will someday get all the things you currently dream of if you just “let go and let God?”
Yeah...this isn’t one of those articles.
17 year old Lindsey dream: The SAHM (stay at home mom) - totally crushing the whole homemaker thing, driving the kids to their practice of choice while always having dinner on the table at 6:30 PM every night. I’d also be super involved in volunteering at my church and local community...because, you know...civic duty and all.
26 year old Lindsey dream: The Urban Wife - married, with a couple dogs, and living the thrilling life in the big city. Lots of travel to far away places was involved, because...duh…traveling is super cool.
33 year old Lindsey dream: The Hustling Boss Lady - a single, sassy business owner, making good money, and living my best life with nothing to tie me down!
(Almost) 40 year old Lindsey reality: Busting it to make my small biz profitable while living with my parents in the small town I grew up in so that I can be closer to my family.
I’m what you may call a “pleamer” = a planner/dreamer. I love a plan. Like, really love it. And 2nd only to my love of planning is my tendency for obsessive daydreaming about the future. I used to be so in love with my pleams (yes, I’m going full Gretchen Wieners in my dedication to make that a word.), I would (and sometimes still do) just plunk them down at God’s feet like the tidy little gift I thought they were, and expect Him to bless them. I mean, why not, right? They were brilliant and perfect, and no other option would do for my life! I was downright fanatical about it.
Because plans are good, right? Nothing wrong with a little dreaming for the future. No harm in being prepared. But here’s the thing, my pleams were more than preparation. They were more than readiness for what might come. I said I was obsessive and fanatical about them. But reality is, sometimes I like to use the word “obsessive” or “fanatical” because it doesn’t sound as bad as “idolatrous.”
Yikes….I hate that word. But you know what the Lord showed me, and is still showing me? My dedication to my plans and nurturing of my dreams...my time spent fretting over the future and how it would turn out...my arrogance and pride at the idea that I knew better than God = IDOLS. All are idols, at the feet of which I worshipped daily. Oh, that sounds so gross to say out loud, but it’s truth. Did I have a giant gold tablet with all my plans carved into it that I bowed down to every day? Nope. Did I write it all down in a journal that I burned incense over and chanted to at night before bed? Heck naw! Was I walking around telling all my friends about how my dreams were so awesome and brilliant and superior all the time? Uh-uh. But I was placing all my hope in them. I did find security in the idea of knowing how my life would play out. I rested peacefully in those plans and dreams, and I know it is probably why only approximately 4% of any pleam I’ve ever had for my life has come to fruition.
Here’s a VERY brief run down of my life just for reference:
Graduated high school with no boyfriend or even a super strong direction for career
2 years of college came & went...still single
Worked full-time for 4 years at a job I disliked, but needed to pay the bills
Quit & had to move an hour away to home with parents until I could find gainful employment again
Still single
Found another job I stayed at for 6 years, however lived in several different places with several different people
Bought a house (Yay! This was ACTUALLY something I had dreamed of)
Got a new job I stayed at for 8 years while beginning a photography side-gig
Decided to work towards full time entrepreneurship…unmarried
Had 3 benign tumors on pituitary gland, 2 surgeries to remove, and 1 month-long stint of radiation for 3rd one (if that doesn’t teach you that you really have zero control, i don’t know what will!)
Quit full time day job, with only photo side-gig as income (another dream fulfilled)
Moved home to be closer to family, but also so I could live rent-free with parents while trying to make biz profitable
STILL single….
3 years into full-time business ownership and living with parents….still not enough income to live on my own again
Whew! If you’re still with me, a great big HOORAY for you! I’m not saying all that to whine. My life has been full of amazing people and experiences and lessons that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I want to say that God doesn’t mess around when it comes to showing you what’s really important and what is really worthy of worship. And it ain’t my plans, y’all. It’s not my job, or my living situation, or even my precious family. The most perfect thing God has done for me, the thing I’m most grateful for, is take my life down a path I never imagined. A path I am still on, and will surely be on until I die. And I don’t always like it; I plain ole’ hate it some days. But I’m learning to lean into it, just roll with it, and trust God. Yes, I tell Him when I don’t like something. I voice that, and some times, I wallow in it for a day or two or 17...but God always brings me back around to the fact that, my emotions and feelings aside, I can rest in the knowledge He is working it all for my good and His glory.
Will I ever get the husband, or the high salary, or my own house? Who knows? Would I like to have those things some day? Sure. But I don’t want them at the expense of having a right relationship with God. I’ve learned in my life that having a right relationship with Him will cost a thing or two...but it’s ALWAYS worth the price.