FRIENDZONE
First of all, if you’re married and read this title don’t check out on me, thinking, “this doesn’t apply to me. I gots my man/woman!” Please don’t check out! I need your engagement. All of us single people do!
The dream for some is usually to meet a guy or girl in college with whom you become best friends, then on one miraculous, sunshiny day both realize you are soulmates and are actually madly in love! By age 23 you are married, at 25 you have your first kid, post it all over social media with “living the dream” hashtags, and so on with careers and possibly more kids.
I have yet to meet one single person who hasn’t dreamt about--or at least expressed mild interest in--being friends first with their future husband/wife. It’s just the ideal! You already know each other’s quirks, likes, dislikes; you’ve hopefully already gotten past the awkward phase of talking about bowel movements and body odor, seen her without makeup, seen him when he hasn’t showered in 5-10 days. You knew each other when you didn’t care about the superficial things. You’ve already laughed until you pee’d your pants, played Truth or Dare, talked about previous relationships (even if only on a surface level, it’s still been put out there), made music videos together, cried in front of each other, and just all around acted a fool together. The pressure is off! So now you can easily transition to, and focus on, dating, making out, and just generally falling deeper in love! Right?!
Right! EXCEPT…when you’re in the friendzone: the dreaded relational black hole that is the zone of forever friendom, likely to never be considered as more. Also termed “unrequited love,” or romantic feelings that are not reciprocated…for those who aren’t familiar with the cool, hip lingo all the kids are using these days. How does this happen? How can you get out of it? Do you stay in it, persevere with hopes of getting out one day, which may instead result in emotional destruction? OR do you get out fast to protect yourself from possible said destruction? So many questions! Seriously. I’m truly asking here!
Scenario A
Bart and Peggy are friends. Bart has been such a great friend to Peggy. Bart slowly...very slowly...realizes he likes Peggy beyond friendship. Peggy really likes Bart...as a friend, nothing more. Peggy actually may or may not know about Bart’s affection for her, but tries to ignore it for fear of losing a good friend. Bart suffers through hearing about Peggy’s other crushes or boyfriends, but sticks with it just in case she one day realizes he’s the guy for her. Maybe Bart gets up the courage one day to express his affections, which may or may not result in love, marriage, babies, and so forth. Peggy is actually happy he finally said something even though it may change things a bit. But, hey, at least he tried. FRIENDZONE!
Scenario B:
Debra and Max are friends. Deb has been such a great friend to Max. Deb realizes one day she likes Max beyond friendship. Let’s be honest, Deb has always liked Max as more than a friend because single men and women cannot truly be purely platonic friends. Either the man or the woman will always have feelings beyond friendship at some point during the course of the relationship. Max really likes Deb...as a friend, nothing more. Max is, and remains, oblivious to all feelings. Deb suffers silently while still trying to be in guy’s life because she hopes that if she continues to be in friendship with him, one day he too will have a relational revelation, then they will fall in love, get married, have babies, etc. FRIENDZONE!
The story of my life. I am perpetually in the friendzone. The guys say, “you’re so great! I don’t know why you’re still single. Any man would be lucky to have you!” Ok. Thank you. AND, well, what about YOU, single man friend who is telling me all these sweet, lovely things making me both frustrated as hell with you and all men AND like you even more?! It’s a vicious cycle. I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong here because all my married and single friends, including the guy in the example above, seem to think I am awesome. Sigh.
Ya’ll, being a single woman in your 30’s, who doesn’t want to be single, is hard. It seems as if all the single men in their 30’s want (and can get!) a woman in her 20’s, and, honestly, same scenario for single men in their 40’s, which puts us 30-something women out of the running for being with a guy near our age. I’m not trying to marry for money Hugh Hefner style here, so what’s a single to do? Ok, yes, be more social. Check. Go to more functions/events where other singles may be. Check. Look into the three single men at your church. Check. Try online dating. Check and traumatized. Ok...now what, oh wise one?!
So back to my original question. How does one get out of, or never end up in, the friendzone?
I think we need to digress for a minute and point out a common misconception among Christian singles. Just because it’s a desire in your heart to be married, doesn’t mean it’s actually going to happen. Some (and believe me, I’ve been in this camp 98% of my life) hold strong to the verse “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” And we should! We should hold strong to this verse, but probably not because of the reason we do. It’s not a 100%, literal guarantee that because we have strong desires deep in our hearts, God will always fulfill those. The Bible also says “The heart is deceitful above all else.” So, I’m sorry you kissed dating goodbye in your 20’s so that now God will finally give you the deep heart desire of a romantic relationship that leads to marriage, because it may not actually happen.
Don’t get me wrong. Let’s still hope for a relationship, just with perspective. We were created for community. We were given a innate desire to be in relationship. BUT, you know who that desire is ultimately pointing us toward? God. Not the man or woman of our dreams. God, our Father, who created us and put that desire in there. So, as John Crist says, “check your heart.” If you still can’t be content, you can’t find peace, you can’t be at rest, you can’t feel whole in your singleness knowing at the end of the day it’s your relationship with God that ultimately matters and will satisfy any void you may be longing to fill, then it’s Jesus you need, not another human.
Heart now in check, I’d still like to hear some answers about this friendzone problem. Now I am coming at this from a female perspective, and one who is often the recipient of the “friendzone” award rather than the giver. Yes, it has happened. I have done it. One friendzone sash I did bestow, the guy and I eventually acknowledged it, had an awkward yet healthy-ish discussion about it, and moved on. Pretty sure he’s over it now, but I actually don’t 100% know. You know why? Because, I reiterate, single men and women cannot truly be purely platonic friends! Eventually the more-than-friend feelings arise, the pain becomes too much (or the guy/girl gets engaged to not you), and you have to move on, gradually ending the friendship. OR maybe you end up having the awkward conversation about being “just friends,” and after some healing time, you may be able to be friends again…with clear, healthy boundaries. I know. Dropping some truth bombs on you, whether you like it or not.
If you’ve actually been in the unicorn of all single male-female friendships when neither party has EVER (be lie detector honest here) had feelings beyond friendship for one another, please message me. I want to hear about it, as I do not believe it exists. I hope it does, but I’m just not sure.
But, seriously though, how do we keep from getting to this point? How do you put yourself out there without crossing a line or giving the “I just want to be friends” signal? Girls don’t go hang out with the guy to just drink some beer and watch March Madness, even though you legitimately like to do that? Guys don’t go over and watch the sappy yet poignant romantic comedy with the girl, even though you legitimately can appreciate the movie and wanted to see it anyway? If you can’t do all the things you actually like to and want to do with the guy or girl, who likes and wants to do them too, then how do you ever get in the same room much less get in any type of zone friendship or otherwise?!
Girls don’t share deep stuff and connect emotionally with the guy when he’s not sharing with you or asking you anything about yourself? Ok, ya, that’s a good one. Don’t do that. Guys don’t be there for her every time her car breaks down, or she needs a broken something fixed because those are really the only times she calls, when she wants something? Ok, ya, that is also a good one. Don’t do that either. Obviously, there is a fine line here. Guard your heart, but put yourself out there. Baseball diamond of dating. DTR (define the relationship) but not too much. Open yourself up to creating intimacy, but never sit on a couch beside each other. Don’t pray together because it’s too intimate, but pray together because it’s important in any relationship. It shouldn’t be this hard, right?!
Men, please pay attention, be direct, and tell us ladies how you feel. Even if it’s thanks but no thanks; we can take it. Relieve her suffering and allow her to move on to someone who hopefully does like her back. And, ladies, we have to do a better job of letting him know how we feel. Communicate with actual words. Say how you’re feeling rather than assuming he should know based on that emoji you sent or how many times you’ve shown up on his Instagram notifications.
I’m starting to think there is not a hard-set, black and white answer to this long-suffered question. We’re all just trying to figure each other out. Well, here is what I am currently doing: I am trying, every day, to abide in Jesus. Sunday school answer, I know; but it’s legit. I want my heart to get better at listening to Holy Spirit, so I don't waste precious time. I am trying to simultaneously desire and pray for a relationship and also be content. Friendzone or not, this is tough. Honestly, I succeed about 40% of the time. I still don't like the question: “why are you still single?”, and I’m trying not to hear accusations or fault there. Like I’m not enough or rather I’m too much; or I’ve done something wrong that has put me in this status. Instead, I want to be thankful, and hear all the truth about who I am in a Father who loves me unconditionally and who may or may not fulfill all the deep, longing desires in my heart...and that’s ok.