LIFE AFTER MISSIONARY
May can be a tough month for me…ok, just the summer in general. My emotional memory kicks in strong, bringing to the forefront of my mind what used to be my busiest ministry season. When I first moved back home to the States, I had to hide friends’ and former colleagues’ posts and pictures on social media about all the camps and other ministry events they were doing. It hurt too much to see them. It hurt to see them still doing the things I loved most about my role in Ukraine but could no longer be a part of.
In 2004, I was “called” to be a missionary in Ukraine. My job and my calling were the same thing. There was no wondering about who God wanted me to be and what God wanted me to do for His glory while I sat in a office working on my next sales report, doing a “normal” job. I knew it. God wanted me to be a missionary; He wanted me to help lead the youth of Ukraine to Him, disciple, and train others to lead. SHEW! It was nice to have it all buttoned up, all in one neat package. My job was obviously intertwined with my faith and vice versa, so there was no need to figure life out. It was figured out for me. Done and done!
What do you do, though, when you’re not a missionary any more? When your job is no longer your “calling,” the purpose placed on your life? When I was no longer a missionary, I was no longer doing the career or being the person I felt called to be. When you lose that identity and purpose--or when you move on--what do you do? Here lies the kicker. This is when I started to see the crack in the pot, the leak where my life water had been flowing out causing hurt, confusion, and loss.
If I was no longer a missionary, then who was I? I lost myself, my purpose, and my true meaning for existing when I left Ukraine. I wondered if I would ever find another job that I was put on this Earth to do; if I would ever find another “calling.” After A LOT of conversations with my family and therapist, I finally realized where I went wrong. Rather than my identity being in Christ and my sole purpose being to live for Him and bring Him glory no matter where I live or what I do, my identity instead was “Missionary” and my purpose was the ministry I was doing in Ukraine for Him...even if it destroyed me.
I still believe I was meant to go serve in Ukraine. I know God used me, and all the work we did for His glory, even through all my mess. But being a missionary wasn’t my one purpose in life, my one big life calling. Being a missionary wasn’t my whole identity. There is life after full-time ministry. I can be “called” to work in an office doing sales reports; ministry can be serving and loving on the people that are in my office, small group, neighborhood, and family. Whatever job I may be doing and wherever I may be living is not where my identity and purpose lay. Job does not equal purpose. Title, relationship status, parental status, ministry status does not equal identity. God does.